Day Three: Cabanas and Sweatbands

Since we didn't get TOO out of control on Oates night, we were able to make it to the pool at an early-for-Vegas 11am. Ryan and Stephen, drunk with poker winnings, decided to reserve a cabana for us. It was so classy and exclusive!!! We even got to go to the adult pool, for which there is normally a $20 per person cover charge (included with the cabana fee).

When Mike and I arrived, we found Ryan and Stephen sunning themselves in front of the cabana. We walked inside and found a mini-fridge with a cheese plate and four bottles of water and a flat screen TV. We quickly got ourselves suntan lotioned up and hung out with the boys until the rest of our group got to the pool. A few of us hit the waterslide leading to the kids' pool (well, the pool that kids are allowed in). We thought we might stay down there for a bit and watch the sharks until some little hellions started splashing us with water. We all looked at each other and said, "So...adult pool?" On our way out, Kat and I splashed each other repeatedly to teach the kids a lesson. Or because we're immature. Probably a little of both. Nah, we're just immature.

EDIT: How did I forget to leave out the story Ryan and Stephen told us about the grown-up area? When they were deciding to rent the cabana the day before, they walked around the area to see if it was worth it. There's an area reserved for topless tanning (or as we would call it, "terplerss terning") and the boys witnessed a klassie laydee straddling her boyfriend (a kind assumption). Then they realized that they were witnessing full penetration! We surmised that since she was clearly a lady, she didn't remove her bottoms, she just pulled the crotch of her bikini bottom to the side. And the guy just stuck his wiener through the wienerhole of his swimsuit. The boys objected to my use of the word wienerhole and said I should call it a fly. I objected to use of the word fly because it's not the same in swimsuits. It's totally a wienerhole!

Anyhoo, we made our way up and hit the adult pool. Once we got in, we realized that we were allowed to drink in the pool and ordered up some buckets of beer. We also spotted lots of leathery old ladies wearing bikinis. Our favorite adult pool-goer was a dude wearing a shoulder shirt. It was this bright yellow t-shirt that basically only covered his shoulders. Since Kat will do anything we tell her, we had her go ask him where he got that awesomeness.

After a lengthy conversation with her new friend, she swam over and happily reported that he told her all about how she could find the shirt on hanes.com. It's apparently a sun-shirt made to protect the skin from the sun. He also proudly told her that he hemmed it himself because his shoulders always get burned. This guy, by the way, was SUPER tan. He was sunning his nips all day. I guess the shirt also at one point (before hemming) said, "there's no such thing as a safe tan." So what is the rest of his body? And his wife/girlfriend was really leathery. Loose, leathery skin doesn't scream "safe tan," but whatever.

Anyhoo, he later cheered us on in a chugging contest in the pool. We, by the way, drank a LOT in the pool, so I may be forgetting a lot of details. We seriously got in the pool and did not get out for like five hours. I'm freckled and burned on my shoulders. If only I had a sweet shoulder shirt!!!

Anyhoo, after our pool excursion, half the crew left. Jose and Ashley had spent the day on the strip researching wedding venues, so they met up with Mike, Kat, and me for sweatband overload. Kat really had a hankerin' for Sonic, so we all got in our outfits and piled into her sweet ride.

Looks like my plane's about to board, so I'll finish this up from the comfort of my own bed when I get home. Thanks for reading so far!

And I'm back home! But still too tired to keep up with the recapping duties for the night. I did add a story about the boning section of the cabana area, and you may or may not find out tomorrow which one of our revelers likes to "slide it to the side and get on the ride." Oh wait, you won't. I'll finish these up later. Thanks for reading!

OK, I'm back again. Let's see if I can give you a decent recap of night three with the Fab Five. After Sonic, we got dropped Kat's car off with the valet. The guys working the valet stand thought we looked hilarious and suggested we go to "an 80s bar." It was called "Insert Here" or "Insert Coin" or something. We had seen it on our ill-fated trip to the Atomic Liquor Store the day before and passed it up.

We thought it sounded like a good idea, so we made our way down Fremont Street. On the way there at one of the stages, some slut (we couldn't really figure out the purpose of the random dancing slut playing music off a laptop) was blasting Party Rock. Naturally, we had to stop and shuffle. I was molested by some grossbag, so I let Kat and Mike finish up shuffling while I moved behind a safe shield of Jose and Ashley. Kat and Mike joined back up with us and we continued shuffling while a bunch more people shuffled through our circle. It was a sight to see, I'm sure.

Anyhoo, we kept moving and made it to the alleged 80s bar. We had all made drinks in the room, so we stood outside to finish them before going in. When we got in, it looked pretty cool, but I wouldn't really describe it as 80s. There were old school arcade games, that's for sure, but that (to me, anyway) was where the 80s ended. The drinks were overpriced for what it was (it's in the Fremont East District - an area they're trying to revive, but it's still the ghetto), and the DJ wasn't all that great. For one, he refused to play Party Rock!!!

We still had fun, though. We ordered a couple of buckets of beer and were the only people on the dancefloor for the entire time we were there. People seemed to enjoy us, but for the most part, they all sat at the bar or on benches looking bored. It was weird. They also played weird cartoons on flat screen TVs throughout the place. It was weird, but we had fun acting like fools.

After we had tired of that place, we headed back to the Fremont Street Experience determined to do some more shuffling. Mike is really good at it, Kat just loves shuffling, and I kind of look like I'm running in place.

Anyhoo, we decided to go to the Vue Bar (which we all pronounce VOOBAR) at the Fitz since it's right above "the experience" and drinks are cheap. We had $2 Tecates before Jose discovered they had $1 PBRs. We all chatted, but still heard no Party Rock. So every so often, Ashley would whip out the phone and play it so we could shuffle.

Oh, I forgot to mention that on our way in, Mike and I were jumping and kicking to the delight of tourists on the street. Right before we walked inside, Mike jumped and kicked, but then fell. Jose was the only one who saw it, but we decided that he must have bounced right up, because the second we heard, "Mike fell!!!" we looked and he was already up dancing.

OK, back to the Vue Bar...we had gotten our fill and decided to gamble a bit, so we walked into the Fremont. Ashley hilariously asked, "Where's the Fremont?" as we were walking right in front of the giant FREMONT sign. I guess we decided we didn't want to stay in there very long, so we decided to gamble back at the Nugget. At some point, Mike got really drunk even though we all drank the same amount. Like, he was fine, then he was just super drunk. We didn't realize it at first, and started yelling, "pussay! pussay! pussay!" at him for wanting to go to bed. Then we were petting him and trying to convince him to stay in high pitched voices.

When we got to the Nugget, we realized that he was super trashed, so Ashley walked him upstairs while Kat, Jose, and I stayed behind to play some slots. I won $20 on a Yahtzee penny slot and $50 on a Wheel of Fortune nickel slot. I was then convinced to play the worst penny slot ever: Dirty Dancing. I quickly lost my $20 and decided I was done gambling since I would now be leaving ahead.

Kat was determined to lose money, though, so she headed over to a roulette table with Jose. None of us were getting free cocktails at the slots (or tables), so Ashley and I went to a bar and ordered drinks. Do not ever order an amaretto sour at the Nug. It was horrible! The sweet and sour mix was totally overpowering, and even when the bartender (who was like, "oh yeah, the mix is awful" but didn't think to stop me from ordering the drink) gave me an extra shot of amaretto to pour into the drink, it was still awful. Finally, he gave me some 7-Up to cut the sour taste. I gave that one to Kat and Ashley gave Jose a beer.

When we got there, Kat had just finished losing $50. Not satisfied with that kind of loss, she put her remaining $40 on red...and lost. Jose had also been paying back the hotels of Vegas for his seemingly decades-long winning streak, so we all called it a night.

The next morning, we all convened in my room and headed out for lunch at a place called Raising Cane's Chicken Strips. It was no Chick Fil-A, but it was pretty good. Kat still wanted to go out gambling, but Mike and I had flights to catch, so I told her to go to a casino and throw the keys to her stationwagon on red. Then we all had a laugh imagining her towing a matching stationwagon back home.

We also threw her football drink container around the parking lot while she rearranged her luggage. Everyone was ready but Ashley. She looked open, but when I threw it to her, it hit her in the chest and the lid blew off. A hilarious black lady was driving by and was all, "that's fucked up! She wasn't even ready! You gotta have your antennas up the whole time!!!" Then we all repeated it in our Tyler Perry accents and went to Hell.

After having another good laugh, we all hugged goodbye and Jose and Ashley took me and Mike to the airport. We all flipped off Kat as we drove off yelling, "Stratosphere, bitch!"

And that was STBE, probably missing lots of details. Next time, you'll have to go so you won't miss out!